What a difference a week makes, or should I say my weakness makes.
Easter came and went like a blur.
Dealing with Dad’s short hospital stay, how horrible does that sound, took a lot out of me. Dementia has transformed him into a shadow of himself; some days I want my strong, smart and smiling Daddy back.
Ever since Easter, I have been feeling out of sorts. Exhausted, stressed and far from the spiritual renewal I had hoped this Easter would have on my life. My head felt like it belonged on some else’s body – woozy is the best word to describe my transformed state.
My out of sorts feeling now has a deadly diagnosis, high blood pressure. There are few bigger whiners and weenies than me when it comes to physical discomfort. And for me, the great denier and hater of all things pharmaceutical, I relented and am now taking a pill! A tough blow to this tough old broad, or at least that’s what I want to be – tough, never weak.
My reaction to this little blip on my screen of life, please don’t laugh, God had abandoned me!
Yep, when I feel physically bad, I feel spiritually empty. Not a good combination, because I get too close to the cusp of crazy. Me of so little faith, and rational thought!
This past week on another good Friday, I was back in church sitting quietly before a beautiful life-sized crucifix of my Savior. During this respite, I took some much needed time to chat with Jesus and He gently reminded me that:
* My most anxious times have led to transforming revelations.
* The best day of my life ended in tragedy.
* His ways are not the ways of the world.
* That I can trust Him in all things, and always.
What I learned in this quiet, contemplative moment was that, He is still with me, yet I doubted that truth all week.
- Doubted that the Lord loved me.
- Doubted that the Lord had a plan for my current struggles.
- Doubted that peace was still possible.
How crazy does that sound – over wooziness?
What a difference a week makes on this, boy I hate to admit it or feel it, weak soul like me.
The beauty of Jesus, He knew I would be right there in a Church that I had been in only twice before, this place of adoration and contemplation, where I would receive more of Him. Not just a quick daily Mass, I needed more time, more of His presence, and more of His infinite love.
And here in this place with the overwhelming smell of Easter flowers that would usually crush me, I am soaking in the heavenly smell of Easter; the Resurrection part of Easter where Jesus turned doubters and transformed them into true believers. Before this cross, I remembered that He can take what little faith I have left and transform me as well.
Transform me as He did Thomas, the great doubter. As He transformed Mary, who knew the crush of demonic spirits. As He transformed Peter, the denier who had the courage to enter the empty tomb. They all knew fear, abandonment and doubt and were transformed by Jesus’ powerful presence and His precious blood.
And with this realization, His peace covered and caressed me, all because of that first Good Friday. Amazing what spending time in the presence of Jesus did for my very weak, weary and doubting soul. He was able to take the little faith I had left and transformed me back into a believer.
Boy, what a difference a week makes!